Wednesday, 21 August 2013

MOJO

I have been neglecting my blog recently and I apologise if I caused anyone to worry. I have hit a brick wall at the moment and writing about gastroparesis and how I feel about it etc etc has been an impossible task. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything lately. I can't seem to focus or even gather my thoughts. Then I spend forever thinking about what I need to be doing...and then not doing that either! I feel kind of lost but I don't know why.

I thought a break from all of it would help but it seems that once I stopped writing... it all just got harder. I think I have been bottling things up a little and now if I pop the cork its going to end in a meltdown.... if that's not whats happening already! 

I often put on a brave face and tell people I'm ok when I'm not, but when I try telling myself the same thing it leads to this build up of emotions that I don't really know how to handle. I am finding that the longer this goes on the more alone I feel. I have so many friends and family who all care and want to be supportive but I resent the fact that I need it. It sounds ridiculous because I like to get messages and I like to help others too but the simple fact that any of this STUFF is part of my life is enough to put me over the edge. 

So, I avoided the computer and gave myself a break, thinking this would help me rest up, focus on the important things and I would be able to start a fresh once I got my mojo back. 

Turns out, life isn't that easy, I took a break from gp stuff and started trying to live a little. That's
when it hit me really. I WANT to do things, go places, achieve things in my life but the more I try to be "normal" the more obvious it is that I'm not!

I'm sick of the constant reminders and the never ending battle with nausea and pain. Part of the whole problem is that people who don't understand the condition see how much medical intervention I've had and wonder why on earth I'm NOT feeling better after all that input and surgery. Then I start to think like that too, why do I still feel so like this? Of course I KNOW that this is just how it is but having to explain it almost every day gets very draining. When people ask, it's easier to say I'm ok, or I'm much better thanks, because that's what they expect you to say. However, on the odd occasion I have actually tried to explain the whole situation I just get blank stares and confusion...and even more questions that I don't really want to answer.

The support I get from the GIFTuk group, is second to none but I feel that it's my role to offer the support there and not to moan. Everyone looks at me to be the strong one, and I like the fact that being hopeful and lighthearted helps others so much, just, sometimes I need to have a good moan!

Which brings me back to my first point... My blog is my place to break down, my place to say how I really feel so I need to reconnect and write more before I explode... Just let me find the words to tell you and ill get my mojo back!

Step one complete...only 101 issues left to address ; )